Dear Mr X, Thank you for that touching post that you have written especially for me, I’m really appreciative of it. Before I start on what my thoughts were, I’ll like to apologise that I’m not able to say it out in words to you via the phone for I fear I’d not be able to communicate what I really wanted to say to you. So for that, please bear with me while you read the entire post and I apologise if you’re not able to fully comprehend what I’m about to write.
First of all, thank you once again for the very long post. While I was reading it, I had tears that were threatening to fall but I kept telling myself that I can’t cry over this matter anymore. With that being said, it is my pleasure to have been able to help you, be it in school work or your personal life issues, I’m glad to have been able to solve it alongside you. Those days were fun, but at the same time, they were memories. You have helped me a fair share too, whether with my personal life or school life. I’ll be forever thankful for you were the one that picked me up when I was at the lowest in the 18 years of my life and got me to see the world again. Never had I once thought that the guy that got me all annoyed when I first met him would be the one to save me from total self destruction. I guess life just has a funny way of working out for me, for you, for everyone else.
I guess you were right all along, I was trying to avoid you ever since 14 September. But then again, I guess I didn’t really do a very good job at avoiding am I? There were many reasons behind me doing that, but the main reason for me to avoid you was that I was trying to protect myself. Not to say that you’re a bad guy, I know you have a very kind heart, but I was just trying to protect my heart from shattering once again. I knew I was falling for you, falling hard in fact, coupled with the fact that I know its virtually impossible for the feelings to be reciprocated led me to make that decision. Maybe its the best decision I have ever made, maybe its the worst, I don’t know. I guess why I felt that way was because I felt safe around you, I felt protected, its just the sense of security/fake sense of security you manage to give me. I’m happy around you, truly happy, but I feel that I can’t rely on that sheer happiness you are able to give me to keep me grounded.
I’m falling irrevocably and unconditionally in love with you, without myself knowing what’s happening
These 4 months has been a roller coaster ride for me and as much as I love the thrill that comes with coaster rides, I can’t wait to get out of this ride. I’m feeling utterly sick and it even makes me feel nauseous at the thought of it going on. To me, I’m toxic to be around with. I know what I’m capable of doing and I don’t want you to witness that. Hell, I don’t want any of my friends to witness that. Let the memory of me in you go down to be a good one shall we? I applaud you for facing up to this issue but I apologise that I lack the courage that you have to face this, not anymore. I’m tired douche, I really am so so so tired. I can’t fight anymore douche, I surrender, I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m so tired, I just want to curl up under my blanket and cry till I fall asleep. I just want to run, run till my legs give up on me, run till I have no more energy. I just want to run away from this sinking ship. I can’t do this anymore, I’m not as strong as what others picture me to be.
With that being said, like I’ve promised to be there for you right from the beginning, I intend to carry out that promise and you can come to me for whatever troubles that you are facing be it tomorrow, 1 year down the road, 10 years down the road (if you still remember me), I’ll drop everything and be there for you. I feel so useless now. Refusing to face up to problems is not something that I do. I want to start on a fresh sheet of paper with you, yet it feels so hard with all the memories that we had together. I have no more energy to fight for this anymore, I’m just gonna accept the fact that it was a doomed relationship/friendship from the start. Its painful, very painful, but it feels like its the only path left for me. I don’t know what other moves I’ve got anymore. I just want to cry douchebag, sit in the corner and cry till I have no more tears left.
I’ll miss you douchebag. I really will. Remember to keep smiling:)
IVDCCXIV – 4th July 2014 (4714)
P.S. – I’ll still love to catch Annabelle with you if you’re still up for it, just maybe at night after my work If after reading this you want to talk, I’m just 8 digits away, you know what to do.