2 months 8 days, 69 days, 1656 hours, 99360 minutes….
4th July 2014 – 12 September 2014. 2 dates that would forever be etched in my mind alongside with other important dates that are worth remembering. The start and end of something seemingly so beautiful, so innocent yet wrong at the same time. The entire act was doomed from the start, we both knew it was, thats why it ended 2 days ago. Was that really the end? I don’t know, only time knows.
At the beginning, I never knew that such “interesting” event would happen to me, it only happens in all the hollywood movies that we see. I guess this is the time that I would finally write down my feelings and emotions in that 69 days, and maybe after this I would finally be able to close the book and start a whole new chapter in my life once again. Although this is a short chapter in my life, I’ve got to say its by far one of the most, if not the most, interesting chapter in my 18 years of living. Sit back and enjoy as I narrate through those 69 days. I’ll be walking through those posts that I’ve previously posted, but were made private at that point of time, all my inner thoughts in that period would finally be revealed. (Some part are excerpts while others are rephrased and summarised)
4th July 2014
Beautiful Friday. As many would recognise it as Independence Day, I see that day in a different light, it means so much more to me than simply just Independence Day, its the day where everything starts. As usually, you came over to my house to watch the world cup but somehow, things escalated so quickly I didn’t have the time to comprehend what was happening. It just did and honestly, at that point of time, no regrets. It left me confused, what exactly were we? One word kept popping up into my mind then, “why”. Thousands of questions in my mind left unanswered but I pushed them to the back of my mind like how I usually do most of the time. I still remember though, when you asked me why did I agree, my answer was simple then, because I trusted you.
5th July 2014
Saturday morning. I questioned myself the moment I woke up, was that all a dream? Its only when I saw you next to me did I really know that what happened wasn’t a dream after all. Flashbacks of the previous day happened but surprisingly, it didn’t put a smile on my face. I think I’m starting to be a master at giving fake smiles to people around me just so that they wouldn’t be worried. I feel like I’ve just committed a sin so big that I just want to dig a hole and hide there forever. Its so frustrating I’m about to pull out all of my hair. I can’t be addicted to this, I just can’t.
25 July 2014
Another plain ol’ Friday. Somehow, you asked me that question when we just just talking, “Should we really get together?” At that point of time, it really got me thinking about things I previously treated as a passing thought. Should we? I feel so comfortable around you, I could really be myself, but its wrong isn’t it? The cooking sessions we have, the secret kisses that we give each other when no one is looking, when we are alone, I’ll forever remember these little moments even though it may mean nothing to you. I guess I’m starting to get attracted to you even though we agreed on having no strings attached. Do you remember yourself driving to my house at 2.30am in the morning just because we both are craving for some mcbreakfast? Those moments, they are special to me.
A seemingly quiet month since I have no blog post recollection of this entire month but I’ll write down what I can remember. This was the month we got caught off guard, a funny yet embarrassing moment, made me laugh a little every time I think about that funny moment. It became like a regular thing to both of us now I guess. It was a hectic month filled with deadlines and examinations to meet for both of us. Still remember that one time where we both had minimum sleep just to rush out your project that was due the next day. Crazy night but you scored well in the end, which made me really proud. Still remember there is this one night where you sent me a picture of your crush adding you as a friend on Line. I was suppose to feel okay about it, like how I did all along in the past few months, but somehow that night my heart broke a little. I guess a few dates popped into my mind about this month so I shall write in down below.
13 August 2014
Wednesday, the day of my marketing competition. I still remember all the jitters that I felt before the competition. The nerves that I never knew I had all suddenly appeared, I was honestly scared shitless. You gave me encouragement through text messages, mental support which I’d forever be grateful for. Thank you for coming that day. That night, you came over to stay, claiming that “the other time I told you I’d spend time with you but in the end all we did was my project, so here I am now to spend time with you, for real this time”. You don’t know how much that line touched me, no one has ever came close to saying that to me before. You really have no idea the effect you have on me, on others around you.
30 August 2014
Oh damn, it just occurred to me that its my cousins birthday and being a bad person, I forgot to get her something. I should start looking for a really belated present to make up? Hopefully she’ll forgive this elder “sister” of hers for forgetting. Anyway, on to the story. This was the day that I guess things started to change and yeah… When you asked me if i had fallen for you, even though i answered no, the truth is that I do not know anymore, I can no longer convince myself. Sometimes I even asked myself why did I fell for you when my mind clearly knows its not suppose to. I guess my heart just had its own way of working. A part of me knew that this would happen one day but yet I fell for it, I went headfirst into this dangerous relationship, knowing that nothing good would come out of it. Maybe it was the thrill factor, maybe I was just being rebellious, but maybe it was just the feeling that came along with it. I don’t know if I’ll get to experience this again or feel this way again but I don’t know if the opportunity comes the next time round, should I grasp it again. I feel like I’m strangling myself in the entire process, I’m just sending myself into a death trap when I first fell for you, yet I still did. I don’t know why, I guess it would remain a mystery forever as its a boundary that I’ll never be able to explore. “I think the worst part in the crazy relationship wasn’t losing and letting go of you; it was losing myself in the process.”
2 September 2014
We’re getting to the end, so bear with me for just a little while more. This was the big big day that everything sort of came to an end. You finally figured out how I was feeling almost the entire period of time and for the first time, I felt absolutely vulnerable against you. All those layers of hiding and covering up, I didn’t have to do that anymore. For the first time in the 2 months, I felt relieve, like a stone has just been removed from my bag. I wrote you a long letter and I guess from that moment on, I lost in the game of survivor.
5 September 2014
A harmless day of fun at MBS with our friends turned out to be a secret “rendezvous” for both of us when they are all sleeping. The happy day for me turned a little sad when you kept hush talking to me about us while the rest are having their break. Its like a nice memory but yet somehow it makes me sad thinking about that day. You told me “I love you douche” when you were drunk and that honestly caught me off guard and was stunned for a moment. That smile has to be forced out whenever I think of it.
12 September 2014
The final day where we said our goodbyes to this relationship that we had. The 69th day. Bittersweet memories. We talked about us in between, I learnt a lot more about you and I guess you learnt more about me in the process. I still remember you told me “I’m starting to consider you again, but I don’t want to, I don’t want to lose you” Honestly, I don’t know how to react to that line, you don’t know how impactful that line is. I agree fully with that line, just that I am a step ahead of you. The very last few moments in your arms, I tried to remember you, your form, your face, your kisses and most importantly, your eyes. I’ll never admit to you in person, but you really have a really gorgeous set of eyes. That night, for the first time in 4 months, I cried myself to sleep once again. Inside of me, I knew that tomorrow would be a different day, a new kind of beginning for me.
14 September 2014
2 days have passed. Took me 3 hours to write from start till here but I guess its worthwhile knowing that in the future, when I read back, it’ll be something that would make me go “ohhhhh”. My texts to you started to reduce quite significantly as I felt that it was wrong somehow. Planned a retreat for myself into a hotel to just get out and find myself once more. I’m still feeling so lost, so confused, like something is missing. I don’t know if I can look at you as just a friend anymore. My mind is telling me to just treat you normally while my heart is pushing you far far away, like it doesn’t want anymore connections, not even friends. It wants to go back to those days where you were just that annoying guy in SPeLL that uses a vacuum cleaner to clean the tables while I’m the girl being annoyed at your stupidity and laziness then. Maybe its better for me that way, maybe its not, I don’t know anymore. All I want to do now is drink some alcohol till I get drunk and forget about all this for just a while. Escape from reality for just one night or two. At the same time, I need someone I trust to take care of me while I drink but is there anyone thats free? All my best friends are busy with uni life/work now and I don’t want to be a hindrance. Maybe I can just hide in my room and drink? Would that be a better solution? But it sounds so sad and lonely at the thought of it, but then again, it sounds like a description of my life now.
To close this book, lets end it with a quote that I have previously quoted in one of the older post.
“I think, I think when it’s all over it just comes back in flashes, you know. It’s like a kaleidoscope of memories, which just all comes back, but he never does. I think part of me knew the second I saw him, that this would happen. It’s not really anything he said, or anything he did, it was the feeling that came along with it. And the crazy thing is I don’t know if I’m ever going to feel that way again. But I don’t know if I should. I knew, as the world moved too fast and burned too bright, but I thought ‘how can the devil be pulling you towards someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you?’. Maybe he knew that when he saw me? I guess I just lost my balance. I think that the worst part of it all wasn’t losing him; it was losing me……… I don’t know if you know who you are until you lose who you are”