In life, we often have to make choices that would impact the way things turn out to be for us. The choices we make may alter the path that we are taking now, it may send us down a one way trip to destruction or set up a path filled with opportunities and sunshine. Being house bound for the past few weeks have really got me thinking about many things, some of which really set me questioning myself.
I admit, I haven’t felt this lonely in a long time. Stuck at home with no where to go because of my fractured leg really sucks. I see my friends travelling out of the country while I can only envy them through the photographs that they post on their IG accounts. Not only that, I’ve been experiencing bouts of headaches that really throws me off balance and it simply just makes me sit there and stare into blank space for prolonged periods of time. This coupled with shortness of breath really makes me feel so lousy. I have this nagging feeling in me that my old illness is acting up again, the demon seem to be decoding the code to get out of its cage and there is nothing I can do about it other than to watch myself self destruct….again. I’m truly afraid for myself and for the people around me.
My hands are getting itchy again, I’m starting to close myself off from the world again, My eyes are losing the spark again. Why must this happen just as I was picking myself up? It seems like the demons would never leave me alone, that the past would always constantly haunt me and remind me of who I am, a useless stupid girl that can’t get anything right. So what if I have all the achievements following me now, inside I’m still the same old girl.
You know the feeling of wanting to cry but yet unable to? Thats how I feel every single day now. Often I’ll lie in bed for hours waiting for sleep to consume me and yet it doesn’t until day breaks. I just want to curl up in a corner and cry till I fall asleep, and maybe, just maybe someone would pick me up from that corner and let me cry in their shoulder, but again, the chance of that happening is zero to none. I should just accept my fate, suck it up and move on.
Maybe one day I’ll be brave enough to write down about my inner battles, but till then, I’ll continue this fight alone, although I don’t know how long I can last. For as long as I’m breathing, I’ll fight for a happier me. I guess because of what I’ve gone through, I always want to see the people around me happy as I don’t want any of my close friends to go down the path that I’ve went down before. Even if it means me needing to exit their life, I would just to keep them happy and safe. You especially. I don’t ever want to lose you but yet I feel my presence in your life is the main cause of your sadness now. Thats why I’m torn between leaving and staying.