In life, we would often meet many different kinds of people, some of which would stay with us for a pretty extended period of time while majority of them would just disappear as time passes. Friendships are being fostered, love is being cultivated with people that used to be strangers to us at first but soon would play an important part in our lives. No one is alone in this world, there is always someone out there waiting to be our friend/lover, but the issue now is, what if we push all these people away intentionally/unintentionally?
For those that knows me on a personal level, they should know that I am not willing to enter into a relationship for the time being as I’m afraid of my emotions being uncontrollable again. The starting of a relationship is beautiful and the process of it is amazing but the ending of it can literally leave a person bawling on the ground. The ending is something that I never want to experience again, thats why I told myself that but again, I forgot one important aspect that rendered that sentence invalid.
Its funny actually how the whole concept of love works out. Its an unexplainable feeling that we cannot control, when it comes it comes and when it goes, we can never get it back. A couple of days back, I posted a post about person X and how I felt that my heart was starting to feel ways that I’m not suppose to feel for X. There is a conclusion now to that issue, after a long talk on the phone at a quarter past 4am, we have decided to remain friends. I was cool with it, I am still cool with it now but somehow it just leaves my heart hanging there.
From the start it was forbidden, however the “forbidden” nature of the relationship makes it more enticing, more thrilling to be in. My head says no but my heart says yes but then again, I was fighting against my heart when the whole emotional attachment thing started to kick in. I didn’t want to feel that I needed X in my life, I want to be an independent girl that could just rely on myself. I don’t know what is happening honestly, even till today. I question myself countless times about it every night, there seem to be no definite answer, I can’t even give myself a concrete believable answer.
Even so, I’ve learnt many things from X, which I’m truly thankful for. Just that right now, I need time to heal this broken wound, something which I’m not suppose to feel after the talk but I felt it hard the moment I woke up. Deep down inside, I feel that you are intentionally pushing me away from you and not letting me in. I used to be so excited about the trip, not anymore, I’m having mixed feelings about it now.
Maybe this is my version of The One That Got Away.