Live.Laugh.Love

What Have I Done?

What have I done?
I wish I could run,
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help
Hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down?
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things,
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right, to get it right?

Can I start again, with my faith shaken?
Cause I can’t go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes,
But if I get stronger and wiser, I’ll get through this

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
And all that you touch tumbles down?
Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things,
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?

So I throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air,
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair!
Yeah, I’ll send out a wish, yeah, I’ll send up a prayer
And finally someone will see how much I care

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
And all that you touch tumbles down?
Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things,
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take, to get it right?
To get it right?

I miss being a young girl again, the girl that didn’t know about the cruelties of this world and just living every day happily. I want to go back to my secondary school day, where I had all my girls with me and had nothing to worry about except for homework and the impending examinations. If only i could turn back time i would. I would want to re live my life again and make the correct choices this time around. No more mistakes, no more regrets.

For the past two moths, I have disappointed so many people, my best friends, my parents and myself. Today I sit down and question myself “WTF are you doing with your life? You are single handedly ruining your entire future with your current life choices”. I feel dirty, I feel unclean, I feel like I’ve not bathed for a long time when in fact, i just came out of the shower not long ago. I feel stupid, I feel like hitting myself till I wake up from this disgusting dream of mine. Yes, I feel used. Picked up, used and thrown away like a piece of garbage.

So now, as this is really bothering me and i need to get it out somewhere so I can concentrate, this is my life story back track to a couple months back when everything changed from right to wrong.

I was this innocent girl, a girl that was taught to love and then learnt how heartbreak really feels like. Its an experience I truly never ever want to go through again. I was afraid of loving someone else to only let another person down, I still am afraid today. However, a little somebody came along, lets call this person X for anonymity purposes. X came along and helped me throughout that entire period where I was down and upset. From being just friends where we would talk occasionally to close friends that talked every single day and checking up on each other to make sure everything’s alright. But our supposed clean, purely friends relationship took a turn and we became something more, which I would not elaborate further. Somehow along the line, I started to feel something for X, something that I was so afraid of having to feel. I don’t know how just it happened but I guess I let down my guard, thus feeling that way. I was left confused most of the time though and inside I’m screaming for help but I guess no one heard my screams. I met up with my best friend regularly to talk to her about this issue that I’m having and I’m so glad that she’s there once again to help me through my constant issues and problems.

Along the line, something happened, something major happened and I guess thats where I was left utterly confused at my life choices then and even up till now. I can’t look in the mirror the same way anymore, I used to see a girl that was happy, charming and alive. Now, all I see is a girl with so much to hide about her life. I can’t tell anyone about this except to my best friend because we are nothing, right? We are just friends and no one has to ever know what goes on. Let them talk, let them whisper, let them tease. But guess what, I want all that to stop, you don’t know how much I yearn for it to stop. I don’t know what your true intentions to me is anymore. Are you just using me like a chess piece in the game you’re playing, tired of it and just thrown aside, forgotten like the rest?

I feel dirty and used. I feel like I can’t enter into another relationship because I’m ashamed of what I’ve done, I’m ashamed of my life choices. No one deserves a dirty girl like me, a returned piece of good. I dare say now, the feeling I had, its wavering and day by day its disappearing and soon it will be gone. But please, if you’re reading this, tell me what exactly you want from me. I’m tired of this game of charades, I don’t want to play it anymore.

One last thing, please don’t take so long to reply, for everyday that you drag, the further I would drift away…… I’m already starting to make my first step away from you, finding myself in this huge world once again when I thought I found her when I met you in spring.

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This entry was published on August 24, 2014 at 21:44 and is filed under Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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